This will probably be sad...

Today, I wanted to take a moment before a much needed nap to talk about the past week of my life.


A week ago, I had no idea I would be writing this and--honestly--I would've preferred not to. But, here we are.


The last time I spoke with Hank (a partner at the Firm), my main goal was to check to make sure I knew specifically how long he'd be gone. You know, in case anyone asked. He smiled, said "10 days", and proceeded to exit the office. Garner (another attorney) mentioned his impending surgery, to which we all laughed. We had, after all, been making light of his hip replacement surgery since we first learned he had finally said "yes" to it, weeks ago. 


Comments on "walkers" and "hoverounds" and the like, ensued, until the elevator came for the big guy and took him on his way. Smiling, as he always did.


Yesterday, some family friends brought me the leather file zipper folder he happened to have taken with him. Because nothing speeds recovery like working on cases.


And, I cried.


Because, it smelled like him and reminded me he would never be back. A blood clot had taken him sooner than any of us were comfortable with.


I heard his voice all day Wednesday, after I was told of the horrible news. I remembered phone calls we had, the way he said "Kayla" that always brought a laugh, the jokes we exchanged with clients, and the candy in his office that I would occasionally steal. I remembered how exactly a week had gone by since I had called him out of his office to our Firm birthday party because he was "my lead birthday singer". 


Like those birthdays he'd noticeably missed in the past, our Firm isn't the same without his presence.


Many of us have had small moments of forgetfulness since Tuesday evening when our Friend was taken so suddenly: making our way to his office for a chat, taking a cold call and wondering if he'd take it, working on projects that we know he'd have the answer to.


All of it means that we, as a family, take small moments aside in corners or by conference rooms, out of eyesight of anyone. We let the pain and emptiness of his exit wash over us for the precious seconds we have and then move on and try to do something else that distracts the mind.


The thing is, I've only been at the Firm for three years. So, imagine the suffering of those who've been beside him the entire forty-three years he was there. 


Watching the other partners in their silent, busy states breaks my heart more than anything. The quiet resolve, the half-smiles, the pats on the back: it all speaks of the hurt.


This morning, we said goodbye. I sat in the back with Love, tearing more than I wanted and expected, moreso because half of the front row of pews contained the attorneys I see more than my own family. They were the pallbearers of the man who was every bit of the Heart of the Firm. I watched them in their calm, reflective ways, only one head bowed. 


And, I couldn't help but think: "They shouldn't have to be doing this."


I've lost my share of family and friends, but this one ranked up there with my Great-Grandmother's just a year and a half ago.


My Great-Grandmother was one of the sweetest people you would EVER meet. She never said a cross word about anyone, even those who most deserved to hear her thoughts. Thing is, I'm not sure she was even capable of that kind of human sin. She was pure and independent and strong. She was my closest tie to my Grandfather, her son, and I relished in her stories because I knew nothing of the Man I Loved the Most.


When she passed away, no one got up to speak save the leader of the service and one other relative. But, it wasn't because there wasn't anything to be said. It was because we were all so heartbroken that it was hard to really talk.


Hank is up there with my Great-Grandma. They were two of the best people I had ever known. Honest, reliable, loyal, and devoted to others when they didn't have to be. They were better humans than any of us.


As I miss her, I will always miss Hank. He's gone now and there's no going back to last week. Life moves on and we all learn cope and figure out a life without the ones we miss. 


And, I can't be mad at God for taking him. If I were him, I'd take all the good ones, too.






*Kayla*